Today I am coming out of the Closet, The Fat Closet. I have been hiding behind my weight and hiding my weight for so long. I want to blame so many different factors in my life for the way I am. Honestly it is no one’s fault but my own. I AM FAT. I am currently 442 lbs. I don’t know that I have ever really said that out loud or even written it down in words because realizing my weight means I have to acknowledge that those excess pounds are there. Five years ago I published my first book and in it I talked about my then weight in the poem “408”. It was the first time that I put it out there what my potential weight was and even at that time I never fully exposed me. I didn’t say that it was my current weight and I hid behind the fact that the poem itself could apply to any weight and any person that had ever had weight issues. I am a survivor of weight bias. I’m not going to take on the title of a champion of weight loss until I can get to that point where I can fully accept me no matter what my body looks like. Right now, I’m feeling empowered because I feel like for the first time in a long time I own it. I own me. I own all of my pounds. I own all of my pounds.
I currently am working through the program of Weight Watchers and I hope that people do not feel that this is a fad diet that I am going through. In my mind I see this ultimate outcome and this is just the beginning for me. I needed to use this to help me – to make me realize the food that I am putting in to my body. My body is my temple but I have been treating it like it was just a shell to bury my feelings both good and bad. I acknowledge that this is not how you treat your temple. In your temple – it is to be well kept and sacred. Your temple is supposed to be the place where you can find solace and find all the answers to lifes questions. In my temple I have let it become a mess and instead of it being a temple it has been my prison holding me back. I have used my temple and the facades of the “character” I became to protect me from the pain of hateful and hurtful words from friends and family. I am coming out of the FAT closet. I at this point in my life am no longer giving MY POWER away by being scared of being called FAT. I AM FAT and I OWN IT. I do also know though that it is MY POWER that is going to help me change it. It is ME that is making a change so that I am HEALTHY and I am in my body fully.
I am 33 years old, I am 6’5” tall, I am 442lbs, I am 43% body fat, I am 253lbs of muscle.
No matter those layers, titles, names or states of being I am owning them today…
Let this journey continue
Let this journey bless me with the real me hidden under these layers
I am open to the walls coming down
Are you?