408

 

This is a poem I wrote about weight and the issues that come a long with it.  I  performed this piece during the Diversity Week at my Alma Mater San Bernardino Valley College  I went there for my junior college years and it made a major impact on who I am today.   I was able to be all of the expressions of me for the first time without judgement and so when my dear friend Merrie Valdemar asked me to come  back there to speak and to share my book with the campus I had no other choice but to oblige.

This was the perfect place to start the next part of my journey…

The Fat Closet

Today I am coming out of the Closet, The Fat Closet. I have been hiding behind my weight and hiding my weight for so long. I want to blame so many different factors in my life for the way I am. Honestly it is no one’s fault but my own. I AM FAT. I am currently 442 lbs. I don’t know that I have ever really said that out loud or even written it down in words because realizing my weight means I have to acknowledge that those excess pounds are there. Five years ago I published my first book and in it I talked about my then weight in the poem “408”. It was the first time that I put it out there what my potential weight was and even at that time I never fully exposed me. I didn’t say that it was my current weight and I hid behind the fact that the poem itself could apply to any weight and any person that had ever had weight issues. I am a survivor of weight bias. I’m not going to take on the title of a champion of weight loss until I can get to that point where I can fully accept me no matter what my body looks like. Right now, I’m feeling empowered because I feel like for the first time in a long time I own it. I own me. I own all of my pounds. I own all of my pounds.

I currently am working through the program of Weight Watchers and I hope that people do not feel that this is a fad diet that I am going through. In my mind I see this ultimate outcome and this is just the beginning for me. I needed to use this to help me – to make me realize the food that I am putting in to my body. My body is my temple but I have been treating it like it was just a shell to bury my feelings both good and bad. I acknowledge that this is not how you treat your temple. In your temple – it is to be well kept and sacred. Your temple is supposed to be the place where you can find solace and find all the answers to lifes questions. In my temple I have let it become a mess and instead of it being a temple it has been my prison holding me back. I have used my temple and the facades of the “character” I became to protect me from the pain of hateful and hurtful words from friends and family. I am coming out of the FAT closet. I at this point in my life am no longer giving MY POWER away by being scared of being called FAT. I AM FAT and I OWN IT. I do also know though that it is MY POWER that is going to help me change it. It is ME that is making a change so that I am HEALTHY and I am in my body fully.
I am 33 years old, I am 6’5” tall, I am 442lbs, I am 43% body fat, I am 253lbs of muscle.
No matter those layers, titles, names or states of being I am owning them today…
Let this journey continue
Let this journey bless me with the real me hidden under these layers
I am open to the walls coming down
Are you?